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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24584092">Fanfiction</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackie_Gaytona/pseuds/Jackie_Gaytona'>Jackie_Gaytona</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>What We Do in the Shadows (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Fanfiction, Gift, Guillermo the Panicky, M/M, Nandor the Oblivious, References to Smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:40:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,300</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24584092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackie_Gaytona/pseuds/Jackie_Gaytona</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nandor stumbles upon Guillermo reading erotic fanfiction. He can't help but interfere. A little gift for fellow Nandermo writers :&gt;</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Guillermo/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>161</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fanfiction</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkwithursus/gifts">walkwithursus</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/singing_to_shipwreck/gifts">C (singing_to_shipwreck)</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsundereClouds/gifts">TsundereClouds</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/doyoushipwhoiship/gifts">doyoushipwhoiship</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/certified_swamp_witch/gifts">certified_swamp_witch</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/enter_the_gloaming/gifts">enter_the_gloaming</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_the_bird/gifts">Jay_the_bird</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vhett/gifts">Vhett</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReinaZanahoria/gifts">ReinaZanahoria</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N: A silly, self-indulgent little fic dedicated to the below authors, but also everyone who has ever written fanfiction about these two goofs. Thank you for inspiring me to get back into fanfiction after so many years!</p>
<p>This story mentions content from the following fics (which you should go read!):<br/>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24495328 &amp; https://archiveofourown.org/works/24427792 by WalkwithUrsus &amp; Co<br/>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24395953 by Vhett</p>
<p>Swear to god poor Guillermo is going to have a heart attack one of these days, what with all my torturing him in these fics.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Guillermo had considered moving several times throughout the afternoon, but he was snug and warm here on the little old sofa<strong>,</strong> and besides, there was a cushion and blanket conveniently covering him from waist-down. That nagging voice telling him to move to a more private area was drowned out by the captivating scene in his head, evoked by the text he was scrolling through on his phone. He had read this fic three times now, yet it was still wreaking havoc on his nether regions. In his head, three handsome male vampires were splayed out on a grand antique bed, pleasuring each other with their hands, their mouths, their <em>teeth</em>. Pale arms and legs writhed within crimson sheets; silky hair and soft skin and sweet moans. Dear god, Guillermo’s body was on <em>fire</em>. If anyone were to walk in right now, to see his flushed face and wide eyes and awkward stance under the blankets, he was sure to die.</p>
<p>            “Guillermo!”</p>
<p>            The voice was right at his ear. Guillermo shrieked and impulsively flung his phone away like it was hot coals. In reality, it was Guillermo’s hands themselves that felt like hot coals. Before the phone had a chance to hit the floor and blessedly break open, Nandor’s unnatural reflexes rescued it…much to Guillermo’s dismay. His heart lurched in his chest and his breathing quickened. This was going to go just swimmingly. Just peachily. He thought back to the scene where Lestat nibbled at a peach nestled between Louis’ ass cheeks and shuddered visibly.</p>
<p>            “Guillermo, you should really be more careful,” Nandor admonished. “You could have broken your talk machine, and all these little texts that you adore so much.”</p>
<p>            “Yes, Master,” Guillermo mumbled, forcing an airy laugh that was fraught with barely-concealed panic. “Silly me.”</p>
<p>            “What are you reading?” Nandor held the phone in both hands as he walked idly to the couch where his familiar sat. Guillermo gaped at him in alarm and quickly drew his knees up as the vampire made to settle down next to him. His awkward boner was long gone, but he blanched at the thought of any proximity between him and his master; like, being sat on, for one. Besides, he enjoyed having the use of his shins, and Nandor wasn’t exactly light.</p>
<p>            He wanted to snatch the phone out of Nandor’s hands. He wanted to so badly. But he couldn’t move his body; he was frozen in shock. And maybe, in some small thrill-seeking part of his brain, he wanted his master to see it. He wanted to come clean.</p>
<p>            Nandor’s expression was unreadable as his eyes slowly flickered across the words. The only indication that he was even comprehending what he read was his brow, which was knitted in concentration. Guillermo knew his master read on occasion; fairly thick, ancient tomes. He knew he could read English just fine, though he probably struggled a little with the more contemporary words.</p>
<p>A terrible chill crawled over Guillermo’s scalp and he shivered. Nandor must have noticed, because he let his breath out through his nose and slowly moved his head to look at his familiar. His expression was now a very decipherable disapproval.</p>
<p>            “Guillermo,” he said at length. “This is written <em>terribly</em>.”</p>
<p>            Guillermo had been rehearsing a lame explanation in his head, and he almost allowed it to tumble out of his mouth before the vampire’s words caught him off guard. “Wait…what?”</p>
<p>            “Did you write this?” Nandor asked in disgust.</p>
<p>“No! No. I-it’s just fanfiction. But I didn’t write it-”</p>
<p>“This is <em>nothing</em> like the vampire orgies,” Nandor interrupted matter-of-factly. “What is a…fan fiction? There is not one mention of fans in this abomination.”</p>
<p>Guillermo took a deep, shaky breath. There was a slight chance he would survive this after all; thanks in part to his master’s tendency to be completely oblivious. “Fanfiction is written by fans – not <em>those</em> types of fans – but people who enjoy a particular movie or book or TV show…” his voice trailed off, immediately realising his mistake.</p>
<p>Nandor’s eyes lit up. “TV show? Has anybody written about <em>our</em> TV show? About Nandor the Relentless?”</p>
<p>Guillermo stifled a groan and tried to sound casual. But the room was starting to feel uncomfortably hot. “Uh…nah, not really. Nothing good, I mean—”</p>
<p>Of course, Guillermo had previously scoured over this particular section several times once he had found it. In fact, it was one of his favourite scourings. And it was anything <em>but</em> bad. He felt a twinge in his groin and flushed with embarrassment.</p>
<p>“That means there <em>is</em> the fan fiction about us!” Nandor said excitedly.</p>
<p><em>About us? Yep, there sure is. </em>Guillermo panicked, then. In one sweeping motion, he lunged forward and snatched the phone from his master’s hands, getting to his feet in the process. He staggered back, hiding the phone behind his back.</p>
<p>“Guillermo!” Nandor shouted. “Fucking guy!”</p>
<p>“You don’t want to read it,” Guillermo said quickly, breathless. He considered smashing his phone on the ground there and then, and stomping on it for good measure. But then what? He’d have to get a job on the side just to afford another one. And it’s not like destroying his phone would erase the internet…</p>
<p><em>Oh no</em>. His brain went into meltdown. He’d just made a huge scene about the whole thing, and now Nandor was buzzing with enthusiasm…nothing was going to stop his master from getting what he wanted. Nandor got to his feet suddenly and rushed forward, a tall, imposing wall closing in on his familiar. “Give me the talk machine, Guillermo!” he commanded in his most severe tone.</p>
<p>            “No!” Guillermo shrieked back before he could stop himself.</p>
<p>            “If you won’t give me the fan fictions, I will get them from Colin!” He spun around, fists clenched, and hollered through the house. “Colin Robinson! Colin Robinson!”</p>
<p>            “Okay!” Guillermo yelled, then snapped his mouth shut quickly as Nandor spun to glare at him. “Okay,” he said more softly. “Here.” He offered him the phone as a token of peace, his mind stuck somewhere between sheepishness and exasperation. Nandor snatched it from him, his face stern.</p>
<p>            “I know you are trying to protect me,” he said flatly, “from all the memories of battle and pillaging. But you needn’t worry Guillermo, I will very much look forward to reading tales of my courage and relentlessness.”</p>
<p>            Guillermo wanted to die. “Well, you certainly are relentless in most of them,” he muttered under his breath.</p>
<p>            “What was that, Guillermo?”</p>
<p>            “Nothing, Master.”</p>
<p>            He followed Nandor to the couch, and they both settled in for story time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Guillermo’s thumb shook as he pressed the link that would lead them to the What We Do in the Shadows page. He sat stiffly on the lounge, a pillow placed strategically in his lap, while Nandor leant over it to get a good look at the screen. He always made a point not to get too close to his familiar, but apparently the phone was far more important than his dignity right now.</p>
<p>            “So, this is the section that lists all the Shadows fanfics,” he explained, and was immediately proud of himself for managing to keep his voice steady. “I can show you this funny one about Colin if you’d like?”</p>
<p>            “Give me that!” Nandor hissed, and snatched the phone away. “Colin <em>Robinson</em>,” he muttered under his breath, as if to say the very idea was absurd. “I want to read about myself!”</p>
<p>            “Oh boy,” Guillermo whispered. Thankfully, Nandor didn’t hear him.</p>
<p>            He scrolled through the list, reading the titles but blessedly oblivious to the summaries. “Look!” he exclaimed after a short silence. Guillermo jumped. “This one is titled “Nandor the Relentless: Conqueror of Ghouls!” A devious grin spread across his face. “This one must be about the time I fought Faramarz the Fiend in single combat. I cut off his head with one swipe of my battle axe!”</p>
<p>            “Hmm,” was all Guillermo could get out.</p>
<p>            Nandor made a show of pressing the link with his index finger. His eyes narrowed as he scrolled a little and began to read. His lips moved subtly. Guillermo was getting dizzy, and he realised then that he’d been holding his breath. He let it out through clenched teeth…and waited.</p>
<p>            It seemed like several minutes had passed before Nandor’s face twisted in confusion. “This isn’t about my prowess on the battlefield! It’s about you! And—who is this <em>Miguel</em>?”</p>
<p>            Guillermo lifted his glasses to massage the bridge of his nose. “He’s not a real person – I mean, ghoul. The writer made him up for the story.”</p>
<p>            “Why didn’t you tell me you were dating a ghoul?” Nandor’s top lip rose in a snarl. “Ghouls are wicked, Guillermo. And <em>incredibly</em> annoying.”</p>
<p>            “He’s not <em>real</em>!” Guillermo cried. “Just…look…go back and find another one to read.”</p>
<p>            Nandor regarded his familiar under heavy brows before finally yielding. “Fine. Tell these…<em>scribes…</em>that their title was very misleading. Help me go back to the list page.”</p>
<p>            Guillermo pressed the back button. Nandor must have sensed his reluctance because he twisted away, out of his familiar’s reach. A moment later he said, “Ah! Nandor the Relentless: Conqueror of Courting!”</p>
<p>            “Oh God,” Guillermo gulped, his back stiffening.</p>
<p>            Nandor bared his fangs over his shoulder and hissed. “That <em>word</em>, Guillermo!”</p>
<p>            “Sorry, Master.”</p>
<p>            He began to read. After a few moments he shuffled back around to face his familiar, though his eyes were still on the screen. “Guillermo?” he mumbled. “What is a…himbo?”</p>
<p>            “Uhhh…” Guillermo seized the first white lie he could think of. “A very powerful, virile warrior.”</p>
<p>            “Virile?”</p>
<p>            “Masculine,” Guillermo clarified in a mumble.</p>
<p>            “Ah!” Nandor perked up. “This must be the tale of how I courted my thirty-seven wives.”</p>
<p>            Guillermo swallowed the lump in his throat as he braced himself for his master’s reaction. The vampire’s eyes flicked over the words as he scrolled, his confused frown growing more and more by the second. “Guillermo, this is not about my wives! It is about you again!”</p>
<p>            “Yes,” Guillermo said through clenched teeth. “I think you’ll find that most of them-- ”</p>
<p>            “Take me back to the list,” Nandor demanded. Guillermo hesitantly obliged.</p>
<p>            Again, Nandor scrolled through the titles, trying to find that one piece of fiction that would detail his great and many triumphs. “Aha!” he said finally, startling Guillermo again. That dashing grin was back on his face, his fangs glinting. “This one is called <em>Punishment</em>,” he declared eagerly.</p>
<p>            <em>Oh Jesus, Mary mother of God—</em></p>
<p>“This must be about the time I caught those defectors and skinned them alive.”</p>
<p>            Guillermo actually whimpered, but Nandor was so engrossed in the little talk machine that he didn’t notice, grinning brilliantly as he began to devour the story.</p>
<p>            Guillermo had read this one. More than once.</p>
<p>            In fact…hadn’t he commented on it?</p>
<p>            <em>Fuck, fuck, fuck. He doesn’t know how to get to the comments. It’s okay. I’m okay. Jesus…why did I have to use the handle GuillermoTheDevourer?</em></p>
<p>            He watched with growing panic as his master’s grin faltered, and then dropped completely. “Guillermo…” he said in a low voice. “This fan fiction is still about <em>you</em>!” His voice had risen into a shout.</p>
<p>            Guillermo ignored his master’s tone, though. He sagged with relief. The vampire hadn’t reached the part yet where…things got shamelessly kinky. Nandor would ask him to press the back button, and maybe even give up his reading session.</p>
<p>            Except that he didn’t. He kept reading.</p>
<p>            Panic shot back into Guillermo’s core. His heart was in his throat. His brain couldn’t even reassure him anymore. Of all the fanfics his master could decide to read entirely…</p>
<p>            Time seemed to slow to a near standstill as Nandor’s eyes slowly took in the worded scene before his eyes. His grimace slowly turned into a look that was unreadable, lips set in a thin line. His thumb kept on scrolling. Guillermo felt faint.</p>
<p>            When he reached the end of the fic, Nandor silently lifted his head and glared at his familiar. They stared at each other for a long time, the vampire’s dark eyes boring into his own. Guillermo rarely saw his master look this severe. He was expecting an outburst for the ages. Perhaps even two demerit points.</p>
<p>            “Guillermo,” he said finally, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “I didn’t know you were such a glutton for punishment. Did they teach you that in church?”</p>
<p>            “It’s <em>not real</em>!” Guillermo cried, mortified. He shot to his feet and spun to face his master. “A <em>fan</em> of our show wrote it. I had nothing to do with it!”</p>
<p>            “You’re being very defensive about it,” the vampire muttered under his breath.</p>
<p>            “Give me my phone,” Guillermo said with finality. He reached for the device, but Nandor shrunk back, putting up a finger.</p>
<p>            “One more,” he said.</p>
<p>            “<em>No</em>!”</p>
<p>            “But I want to read about kinky Guillermo.” Nandor’s grin was back, his voice merry and taunting. “Is this the back button?”</p>
<p>            He browsed the remaining titles on the page, his face blank, until he came upon one that made his eyebrows jump high. “Look, Guillermo!” he said, waving the screen in front of his familiar’s face.</p>
<p>            “What,” Guillermo uttered half-heartedly. He suddenly felt very, very tired.</p>
<p>            “Laszlo is on here!”</p>
<p>            “Yes, Master. They have written about <em>all</em> of us.”</p>
<p>            “No,” Nandor said. “I mean, he has posted his writings. Look.” He stilled the screen so that Guillermo could actually see it.</p>
<p>            “Jackie Daytona?” Guillermo sighed. “That’s not actually Laszlo.”</p>
<p>“You don’t see past the disguise,” Nandor said. “But I can see! Ah, Laszlo. Your fancy dress may be flawless in the real world, but it is does not work on Nandor in the ether!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Guillermo didn’t bother trying to explain. He sunk down next to his master and braced himself for more shameless smut.</p>
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